“I’m sorry” are the two most healing words in the English language.
When they are spoken as part of a wholehearted apology, these words are the greatest gift we can give to the person we have offended.
Our apology can help free the hurt person from
life-draining anger, bitterness, and pain. It validates their sense of reality
by affirming that, yes, their feelings make sense, we get it, and we take full responsibility
for our words and actions (or our failure to speak or act). A heartfelt apology
allows the hurt party the space to explore the possibilities of healing instead
of just struggling to make sense of it all.
The apology is also a gift to our
self. Our self-respect and level of maturity rest squarely on our ability to
see ourselves objectively, to take a clear-eyed look at the ways that our
behavior affects others, and to acknowledge when we’ve acted at another
person’s expense. The good apology also earns us respect in the eyes of others,
even though we may fear the opposite.
Finally, the good apology is a
gift to the relationship. Two people can feel secure in the knowledge that if
they behave badly, even fight terribly, they can repair the disconnection. We
strengthen our relationships when others know that we’re capable of reflecting
on our behavior, and that we’ll listen to their feelings and do our best to set
things right.
More on the how in Harriet Lerner's fabulous book:
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