"L'enfer, c'est les autres" (Sartre) sau ”Iadul sunt ceilalți oameni.”. OK, care zice Robert Greene că este soluția?

”We humans have a dirty little secret. It’s a secret that has nothing to do with sex lives or fantasies or anything as exciting as that. Rather, the secret is that all of us, to some degree, are in pain. It’s a pain that we don’t discuss or even understand.

The source of this pain is other people.

What I mean is our often disappointing, superficial, unsatisfactory relationships with people. This comes in the form of relationships and connections that aren’t very deep between us and those whom we consider our friends, leading to a lot of loneliness. It comes in the form of bad choices for associates and partners—leading to all this struggle and messy breakups. It comes from letting some toxic narcissist into our life—leading to all kinds of emotional trauma that can take years to get over, if we even ever do. And it also comes from our inability to persuade, to move people, to influence them, to get them interested in our ideas—generating feelings of frustration and anger.

We are deeply social animals and having dysfunctional social relationships leads to all kinds of problems. It leads to depression. It leads to recurring obsessive thoughts, to the inability to focus on our work, to eating disorders, to even physical diseases such as heart disease. We only see the surface phenomenon—the loneliness or the depression or physical ailment. We don’t see the underlying source. And sometimes we’re not even aware that we suffer from loneliness.

(…)

What is the source of this pain, of this problem? The obvious answer is that we are generally very poor observers of people around us. We’re poor listeners. We’ve become so self-absorbed with our smartphones and our technology. We’re not paying attention. And when we do pay attention, we project onto people our own emotions, our own desires. Or we’re very quick to judge and categorize them—that person’s good, that person’s evil; that person’s likeable, that person’s not likeable.

(…)

Are there moments in our lives in which we actually feel different? In which we are actually paying deep attention to people? In which we are actually observing them? And I said yes, there are.

First of all, as children. Children are master observers of people. They are very attuned to the emotions and moods of their parents—their survival depends on it. Con artists hate children because children can see through their phoniness, their fakeness. We were all great observers when we were children. Then, if we travel to a foreign country and everything’s exotic and weird, our senses are heightened. We’re paying attention to people. They seem so different—we want to understand them. Also, if we start a new job and we’re a bit nervous—we’re paying attention to all the little power dynamics going on. Obviously, when we fall in love—we’re extremely attentive to that person. We’re picking out every little sign and detail that they’re emitting about whether they like us, who they are, what their character is like. And finally, strangely enough, if we read a really good novel or see a great movie. We’re fascinated by the characters someone has created, and we want to get inside of their world.

What do all these experiences have in common? In these moments, our desire is engaged. We’re excited. We’re curious. We feel the need to pay attention to people. Our survival could even depend on it. And when we’re excited and curious and we feel the necessity, suddenly our eyes come to life. We’re watching. We’re observing. We’re getting inside people. And in these moments, there’s less of our ego. We’re getting outside of ourselves and into the world of other people.”

More about this and other topics here:

Despre intimitate, conexiune și mai multă autenticitate în relații cu Harriet Lerner

We all do better in life when we can stay reasonably connected to important others; when we can listen to them without trying to change, convince, or fix; and when we can make calm statements about how we see things, based on thinking, rather than reacting.

We all do better when we can process an important issue and take a clear position rather than relying on silence or blame.

We all do better when we have a clear bottom line (“I am not able or willing to live with these behaviors”) rather than communicating through our own behavior that “anything goes.”

We all do better when we can deal directly with our most difficult family members rather than talking about them with other relatives.

And finally, we all do better when we can de-intensify our anxious focus on the other’s problem and put our primary energy into clarifying our own beliefs, convictions, values, and priorities, while formulating plans and life goals that are congruent with these.

(…)

Defining a whole and authentic self also means sharing both our overfunctioning and underfunctioning sides with significant others rather than participating in polarized relationships where we stay focused on the other person’s problems but do not share our own. Every person, without exception, has strengths and’ competencies as well as weaknesses and vulnerabilities, but most of us have difficulty identifying and expressing both sides. This is especially the case when an overfunctioning-underfunctioning polarity gets set in motion and each person’s behavior only provokes and maintains the behavior of the other.

More about an ever important topic here:

Reasons To Learn How to Offer A Wholehearted Apology

 “I’m sorry” are the two most healing words in the English language.

When they are spoken as part of a wholehearted apology, these words are the greatest gift we can give to the person we have offended. 

Our apology can help free the hurt person from life-draining anger, bitterness, and pain. It validates their sense of reality by affirming that, yes, their feelings make sense, we get it, and we take full responsibility for our words and actions (or our failure to speak or act). A heartfelt apology allows the hurt party the space to explore the possibilities of healing instead of just struggling to make sense of it all.

The apology is also a gift to our self. Our self-respect and level of maturity rest squarely on our ability to see ourselves objectively, to take a clear-eyed look at the ways that our behavior affects others, and to acknowledge when we’ve acted at another person’s expense. The good apology also earns us respect in the eyes of others, even though we may fear the opposite.

Finally, the good apology is a gift to the relationship. Two people can feel secure in the knowledge that if they behave badly, even fight terribly, they can repair the disconnection. We strengthen our relationships when others know that we’re capable of reflecting on our behavior, and that we’ll listen to their feelings and do our best to set things right.

More on the how in Harriet Lerner's fabulous book:

Elogiu eșecului * In Praise of Failure

A eșua este un lucru esențial pentru noi, ca ființe umane. Felul în care ne raportăm la eșec ne definește, în vreme ce succesul este auxiliar și efemer și nu e prea revelator. Fără succes putem trăi, dar am trăit degeaba dacă nu ne-am împăca cu imprefecțiunea și precaritatea noastră, ca și cu faptul că suntem muritori- care sunt tot atâtea manifestări ale eșecului.

Eșecul pune o distanță între noi și lume, precum și întrre noi și ceilalți; o distanță care ne dă senzația acută că suntem inadecvați, că nu suntem sincronizați cu lumea și cu ceilalți, că ceva e nelalocul lui. Toate astea ne fac să ne întrebăm cu gravitate ce loc ocupăm sub soare. Și ar putea fi cel mai bun lucru care ni se întâmplă: această trezire existențială este exact lucrul de care avem nevoie dacă vrem să înțelegem cine suntem. Nicio vindecare nu e posibilă dacă nu e precedată de această înțelegere.

***

Failing is essential to what we are as human beings. How we relate to failure defines us, while success is auxiliary and fleeting and does not reveal much. We can live without success, but we would live for nothing if we didn’t come to terms with our imperfection, precariousness, and mortality, which are all epiphanies of failure.

When it occurs, failure puts a distance between us and the world, and between ourselves and others. That distance gives us the distinct feeling that we don’t fit in, that we are out of sync with the world and others, and that there is something amiss. All of this makes us seriously question our place under the sun. And that may be the best thing to happen to us: this existential awakening is exactly what we need if we are to realize who we are. No healing will come unless preceded by it.

 

Sinele ca sursă de sens și dramele lumii moderne

”Cultura occidentală a recalibrat regulile constituente ale sinelui, în aşa fel încât sinele modern a devenit mult mai problematic şi mai dificil decât în erele trecute. (…)

De multe ori, când oamenii spun că simt nevoia să se cunoască (să se găsească), vor să spună de fapt că îşi doresc să trăiască o viaţă care să aibă sens. Vor să aibă o viaţă cu un sens pe care să îl poată accepta. Dar să spui treaba asta în gura mare este destul de jenant. Aşa că oamenii îşi reformulează această nevoie în termeni de autocunoaştere, ceea ce, într-adevăr, este destul de vag, dar în acelaşi timp este acceptabil social. (...)

Societatea modernă se foloseşte de sens ca să reuşească să confere suficient sens vieţii, într-o formă în care sinele nu a mai fost folosit în trecut. Aceste noi cerinţe pe care sinele trebuie să le îndeplinească reprezintă motivul principal al fascinaţiei societăţii moderne pentru ideea sinelui şi a identităţii. (…)

Societăţii noastre îi lipsesc valori de bază stabile care să poată oferi criterii solide pentru delimitarea binelui de rău şi pentru justificarea acţiunilor pe care le întreprindem. (…)

Cultura modernă occidentală s-a luptat din răsputeri ca să transforme sinele într-un fundament de valoare. Fiinţele umane au avut dintotdeauna un sine, dar acesta nu a trebuit să îndeplinească funcţia suplimentară de a conferi sens vieţii în măsura în care trebuie să o facă astăzi.

Astfel, motivul fascinaţiei moderne pentru sine provine din faptul că sinele a devenit o sursă fundamentală şi importantă de sens în viaţa modernă. Povara identităţii nu este tocmai uşoară, iar crizele şi alte probleme de identitate provin parţial din noile cerinţe pe care sinele trebuie să le îndeplinească în prezent.”

Mai multe în cartea ”Sensuri ale vieții” de Roy Baumeister pe care v-o recomand:

Crossing the River of Life

”The soul in its essence will say to herself: no one can build the bridge on which you in particular will have to cross the river of life-no one but yourself. Of course there are countless paths and bridges and demigods ready to carry you over the river, but only at the price of your own self. In all the world, there is one specific way that no one but you can take. Whither does it lead? Do not ask, but walk it. As soon as one says, "I want to remain myself," he discovers that it is a frightful resolve. Now he must descend to the depths of his existence.” Nietzsche